Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
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ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals