I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
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You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions