[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
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On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?