SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
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I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here