Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
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If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Welcome
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.