Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
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Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Legend 🤣🤣
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.