[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
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I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
crazy
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn