me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
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If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
look at me when i’m typing to you