Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
This is Sparta
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.