Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
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saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Not all heroes wear capes…
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.