i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
You Might Also Like
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Me irl
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.