Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
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She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*