Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
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Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.