It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔