Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
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Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Barbie gone wild
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.