Pat is about to own someone
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me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
TODAY
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.