I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
You Might Also Like
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
No way!
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Sorry. Not sorry
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.