My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
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When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.