No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo