who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
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If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.