Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I feel seen
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count