Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
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My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!