I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison đ
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SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
wife: Whatâs wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I canât color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
meow
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOUâRE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
I feel seen.
One minute youâre wild and free, the next youâre standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. Whatâs with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
*Donât Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: âOkay.â
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say âright armâ instead of âright onâ my god how are we still alive
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. Itâll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD⌠ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, theyâre from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someoneâs neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Whatâs that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldnât give two hoots.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
The Bachelorette… but for cats.