Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
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Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.