{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
You Might Also Like
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.