I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I support this random dude and all his protests
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.