Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
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Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself