Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
You Might Also Like
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]