*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
You Might Also Like
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍