Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
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me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.