Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
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Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
new wife guy just dropped
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I hope Alan is OK
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
same energy
anyone else like Italian cereal
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER