HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
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Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
I am a gravy boat captain
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT