if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Put the is in disheveled
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
where the womens at?
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”