Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
You Might Also Like
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”