I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
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Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
hmm conte-me mais
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard