FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
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90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s