The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
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Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Important reminders
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.