Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
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[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most