People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
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My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Sex so good you see dead people.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
(Jupiter –
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
#inspiration #foodforthought