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The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
crochet youtube is brutal
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat