tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
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When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Maths meets science
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[at funeral] You really had to see him live