Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
You Might Also Like
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
My time has come.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Hotels are back
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.