Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
You Might Also Like
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI