[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return