I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
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Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
This was a bad idea all around
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
looks legit
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
how long have you had this for?
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that