“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
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Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Double negatives are never not confusing.