A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
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How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
😍😂🥰😂😍
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’