in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
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Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.