Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
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Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.