My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]